Control yourself, for crying out loud! You do NOT need to make yourself known every five minutes. Attention hog...there are disorders for your type of attitude.
Sincerely,
The toilet ring mark on the back of my thighs
Dear Infomercial Control Underwear,
You are totally NOT what you were advertised to be. I should have known...when an infomercial advertises that you hide bulges and bumps and the models are SKINNY people to begin with...what should I have expected? Although I do have to say that you weren't all lies...you did flatten out my belly somewhat...but you pushed everything all upwards so it looks like I've got four boobs. Your informercial didn't advertise that!
Sincerely,
The quadruple boobs
Dear Chin,
Why are there two of you everytime I look at myself in the mirror or see pictures of myself? It's like when I've had too much to drink and end up with double vision...
Sincerely,
Unfortunately Sober
Dear Mirror Manufacturers,
You've seriously got to do something about your craftsmanship. It seems like all the mirrors you've been making are such poor quality that the images in them are being distorted. What's even weirder is that it only happens sometimes...you should look into that. You're giving people a false sense of self-image and are contributing to poor self-esteem.
Sincerely,
Distored Reflection
Dear Belly,
No you are not pregnant! Stop looking like you are so people will stop asking me if I am! Don't you growl at me...
Sincerely,
Not-with-Child
Dear Peanut Butter Cups,
Are you SURE the package is right when it says you have THAT many grams of FAT?!
Sincerely,
Skeptical One
Dear Thighs,
I would really appreciate it if you could fight off the chocolate, chicken, juice, butter and heavily dressed salad that I ate last night. I'm got a bridesmaid's dress to fit into in a couple of weeks and I would appreciate it if you didn't look more prominent than my four boobs (thanks to the aforementioned useless control underwear). I'd also appreciate it if you could possibly send out a message to my metabolism and tell them to hurry their freakin' selves up and burn off all the fat that I consumed yesterday (and quite possibly will today). Thank you. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely,
Expectant Weight Loser
WORKING OUT TO:
When I Grow Up - Pussycat Dolls
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